The winter holidays can be a tough time for any Jew: Christmas music plays in every store, fragile ornaments plaster your office, dancing mechanical Santa Clauses follow you with their cold, unfeeling eyes. Although Christians are unaware that Hanukkah is not nearly as important to us as Christmas is to them, they go to great lengths to get us to feel comfortable during these times. We could explain this to our well-meaning friends, or we could have some fun with their non-denominational guilt. Allow me to demonstrate:
Why is there a wreath on my office chair? Why are there strings of red and green lights wrapped around pictures of my family? Why did my screensaver change to break-dancing elves (actually that’s pretty cool, hold on to that)? Christmas decorations can be pretty intrusive, but just repeat after me: “I also want to get into the holiday spirit, and my holiday requires that I move from a cubicle to an office, because four walls lock in the Hanukkah traditions.” Feel free to also add that you need a new mahogany desk for a “proper dreidel spinning surface” and large windows for “menorah ventilation.”
Seasonally Flavored Drinks
Eggnog is milk, sugar and raw eggs? Are you kidding me? No one actually drinks this, right? Why don’t we just put half a brick of cheddar cheese into some yogurt, call it CHEDNOGTM and say it’s the official drink of Hanukkah? Anytime gentiles are drinking eggnog, they will have to down some Chednog, too, unless they want to look insensitive: “There, there, Dolores from Accounting. An upset stomach means you respect Jewish culture.”
Dancing Santa Machines
Make sure to publicize a little-known fact: If you take two of these evil things and face them toward each other, they turn to stone.
People Saying Merry Christmas But Specifically Wishing You Happy Holidays
Well this is nice of them, but it feels unspecific. Don’t let them leave until they wish you “Happy Hanukkah” but really enunciate the “huuuuh” sound. Give them some water and tell them to hold it in their throat while speaking. Tell them to repeat this classic Hanukkah saying, emphasizing the “huuuhs”: “Hello Chaim, how do you type so hectically in Helvetica?” Not only will this be HUUUHHilarious (see what I did there), but the effort required will keep them from bothering you with constant, cheery holiday greetings. Or even talking to you in general.
Holiday Movies on TV
While A Christmas Story can be enjoyable, it’s not so hot seven times a day on every basic cable station. I thought TNT was supposed to “Know Drama?” Well, how about during Christmas time, TNT “Knows Jews?” Is it too much to ask to create a movie where Seth Rogen has to choose between Sloan from “Entourage” or Scarlett Johansson (she’s Jewish, I checked)? Or where Adam Sandler and Jesse Eisenberg become best friends while trying to seduce Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, and that hot Israeli chick from Fast Five? I don’t think so, TNT, I don’t think so.
Follow these steps to a much more enjoyable holiday season. They may lead to a great deal of Jewish guilt, so be sure to donate generously to a local synagogue/charity, and watch out for these religious roles to be reversed on Yom Kippur/Columbus Day.